We got a fabulous gift at Chinese New Year.
Firstly take a look at the double- fabulous box it came in, what are you thinking? Expensive chocolates? A subscription to Hello Magazine? Monogrammed handkerchiefs?
It's difficult to understand the scale from the pic, I should have placed my trusty icepick next to it, but it was getting on for A3 size
Click more for the exciting conclusion to this post!! continue reading…
It’s no secret that the majority of my readers are women, I estimate that around 90% of the approximately 11,158 readers I get every day are of the female variety and what’s more, they only come here to fantasise what it would be like if they were in H’s shoes, spending their lives gazing into the eyes of an extremely handsome, humorous, charming George Clooney clone (probably).
Well, let me tell you what it’s like, it’s like being wrapped in 10 inch thick cotton wool while floating weightlessly in space covered in kittens, with Des Lynam gazing softly into your eyes and spoon feeding you warm liquid chocolate as Barry White plays softly in your ears.
Des Lynam, spoon feeding you warm liquid chocolate as you cartwheel slowly through space
Let me give you a quick preview of what it’s like then, I’m about to return from my trip to Japan laden with gifts where H will no doubt be waiting in desperation at the airport gates, where she’ll sprint past security and jump into my arms the minute she sees me stepping through customs, well, I mean there’s a slight chance that she might just be lying on the sofa in her pyjamas watching Desperate Housewives again or maybe just still in bed but anyway, let’s assume it’s the former.
Now imagine as we walk back into our apartment, arm in arm and I open up my bag and reach inside and present you with a gift, a luxurious pair of made-in-china Shinkansen socks, depicting the 0 class of Shinkansen train, the most romantic of the Shinkansen series, capable of speeds up to 225 km/h, now sadly withdrawn from service in 2008 after 44 years of service. Ok, they’re probably a little on the small side because they’re actually for children but anyway, just imagine the feeling of warmth and love you’d be feeling at that exact moment spreading from your heart to the tips of your toes…..
Male readers – it’s ok if you got a semi-on while reading this post, it is the 21st Century after all.
edit: errrm, for some reason she wasn’t at home when I got back, she’s gone to her parents and couldn’t be reached by phone.
edit 2: the socks in action:
After H’s disasterous gift attempt on her trip to Shenyang I thought I’d redress the balance and show you some of the gifts I bought her on recent business trips (so you can see what a marvellous young chap I am).
Here’s the first example, a gift from Bangkok.
Basically, I really enjoy a good foot massage but H has always been reluctant to indulge me (maybe understandable if you listen to the latest podcast). Anyway I thought about it and I figured that maybe she’d be more willing to give it a go if she knew which bits she should be massaging. So, when I saw these in Bangkok airport I jumped on them, after all, what could make a woman happier than making her man happy?
Unfortunately H doesn’t share my vision, she was interested at first until she noticed that I’d bought the large size and I explained that actually they were for me to wear and her to massage, she seemed to think I should have bought small ones for her to wear so that I could massage HER feet, like WTF????????????
Anyway, I retrieved them from the bin and took the photo above, I’m going to keep them in my drawer and try to ask her again when she’s calmed down..
Are you suffering from a chronic ailment but can’t afford to go for expensive acupuncture treatments? Dinglespeaks presents a quick and easy way to enjoy the benefits of acupuncture at ABSOLUTELY NO COST WHATSOEVER*!
What’s more Professor Dingle’s DIY Acupuncture Therapy(TM) CURES ALL MANNER OF PATHETICALLY VAGUE AILMENTS**!!!! Including “feeling a bit off colour”, “it feels funny when I do this doctor” and “I think I caught a chill in my leg”
Acupuncture, if you don’t know, involves a practitioner (generally a wisened elderly Chinese gentleman with a white, wispy Fu ManChu moustache who speaks in proverbs) violating various parts of your body with thin needles in a room thick with incense. He then charges you a lot of money, I’m not sure how much but it’s probably something like a million dollars per treatment.
Here at DingleSpeaks we don’t like to throw money around the way that other bloggers do so we have developed a way of getting this vital treatment for free! Here’s a step by step guide to how it works:
Items you will need
1 – When you get up in the morning don’t change those socks! Get another days wear out of them, and another, and another, we recommend keeping them on for at least 4 or 5 days until they positively hum.
DINGLE TOP TIPS – switch off that air conditioning, engage in sports, put plastic bags between your socks and shoes, keep those shoes on 24 hours a day (use another plastic bag over each foot to keep the bed clean), anything you can do to maximise odorification.
2 – Stop washing for the duration of the conditioning period, you’ll be throwing away all of those wonderful delicate odours, premature washing reduces the efficacy of Professor Dingle’s DIY Acupuncture Therapy(TM).
3 – After conditioning is complete (estimate 4 or 5 days) take peel off the socks and place into a saucepan full of water, dip the sponge into the water, clean between the toes and squeeze the sponge out into the saucepan. Next, you’re going to re-wet the sponge and collect vital scent from other key areas of your body.
DINGLE TOP TIP - use that little attachment on your nail clippers to recover as much toe-cheese as possible from down the sides of the big toe nail, add to the water.
Key Sponging Positions for Scent Collection
4 – Heat the water to around 80°C until you can just see vapour rising from water, don’t heat too much or you’ll break down those delicate scent molecules!! Simmer at this temperature, occasionally squeezing the socks to maximise percolation, keep simmering until the water has reduced by 90% and the potency of the liquid is at maximum
DINGLE TOP TIP – use the extraction fan on maximum setting
5 – Take a long shower, a proper one mind you, not your normal day to day rinse, we’re talking the monthly big one, you know, soap and shampoo, all the bells and whistles. This really is essential, if you are not completely clean and scent free before treatment begins you will be at risk of receiving acupuncture therapy in inappropriate areas.
6 – Draw some of the potent liquid into a syringe and make yourself comfortable, lie on the bed, play some relaxing music.
DINGLE TOP TIP – separate the remaining liquid into dose sized portions and put into the freezer for future use
7 – You’ll need a friend to help you here, using the syringe, place a droplet of water at each of the key acupuncture sites, refer to this helpful diagram below of the key acupuncture site in the human body
Key Acupuncture Positions
8 – After a few minutes, the droplets will begin to evaporate, taking the delicious aroma with them, you will probably notice the room becoming darker as swarms of mosquitos gather outside the window. Your companion needs to open the window, only for a few seconds though, just long enough to allow sufficient mosquitos into the room for effective treatment.
9 – The mosquitos are guided directly to the acupuncture sites by the scent and begin the painless*** treatment, lie still and relax, think about all the things you can buy with that money you have saved!
DINGLE TOP TIP – relax as much as possible to miminise your blood pressure and maximise the treatment time, treatment finishes as soon as the mosquitos bellies are full. Once the first batch of mosquitos are about to peel away in formation, reopen the window for a few seconds to let the next squadron in.
DINGLE TOP TIP – if mosquitos are in short supply tie string around their necks to prevent them from swallowing, the frustrated mosquitos will continue the acupuncture treatment for the whole 10/15 minutes! NOTE – you’ll need to use very thin string, find an old spiders web and take some of the spider silk.
10 – After 10 to 15 minutes the treatment is complete, you are already feeling stronger and fitter than you ever did before, give the room a good dose of RAID and take a good shower to prevent further, unwanted treatment. Spend the rest of the evening relaxing and stretching, maybe practise yoga or pop down to the local brew-house for a few well deserved pints of ale (can be used in combination with Professor Dingle’s Weekend Hangover Science Diet).
*approximation
**some risk of malaria / Japanese encephalitis / dengue fever, minimise treatments in areas with endemic outbreaks.
***some patients report a mild discomfort at the site of treatment for several days afterwards.
