Dingle Speaks

I literally bumped into her as I cut my way through the crowd, knocking the drink out of her hand and onto the floor. I pushed the broken glass into the corner with my foot and made my way over to the bar to buy her another drink.

We made small talk, nothing of consequence, we chatted about the music, the weather, a girls shoes. As we spoke she looked at me with her soft, brown eyes, twirling her hair round a finger, she said she wanted to dance with her friends but I wasn’t in the mood. She stayed and talked.

Later when I needed to leave she told me that she liked me, she would like to see me again she said, she could come back with me, spend the night with me, images flashed through my mind of her undressing.

I picked up my coat, “it was nice to meet you”, I said, “but I don’t think so, not tonight, maybe I’ll see you around”,

I left the bar and jumped into a waiting taxi, she was nice but I’d got better ways to spend 1000rmb.

So it rained this morning, a lot. My boss tells me it was the heaviest rain for 100 years (which luckily only lasted an hour or so).

Anyway, we ended up sitting the storm out at home and leaving about 40 minutes later than normal, the traffic was really bad on the way in but we still got to the office in about 1hr 15mins (about double the normal time), nothing compared to the epic journey of one of my colleagues though:

He got picked up at his home in Pudong this morning at 7:40 am and only arrived in the office at around 1:20pm after spending almost six hours on the road, barely moving (his journey time is normally less than 1 hour).

Apparently he pays a taxi driver a fixed monthly fee to bring him to the office every day, so obviously getting out of the car, walking to the nearest metro station and spending 5 or 6 rmb (essentially paying twice for the same trip) taking the metro to the office was out of the question. I thought about asking him why but in the end I didn’t bother, as I’ve mentioned before, “why?” questions always end in frustration in China and should be avoided. at all costs!

I just bought two dozen boxes of these from my corner shop, I’m going to take them all in one go and see what happens.

update: translation -

American Big Soldier, helps to erect/enlarge

you can see the effectiveness in ten minutes / the long gun will never fall down / extremely powerful

I was just eating my lunch, a pathetic offering of Lanzhou Lamien, delivered by moped from the nearby town. I asked them to separate the noodles from the soup but they didn’t bother, by the time it arrived the noodles were like mashed potato and I had to eat them with a spoon (well, the two or three mouthfulls before I threw the lot in the bin).

What’s more my colleague couldn’t be bothered to wait for an appropriate time to order so they ended up arriving at 11:25 (in the AM), which is pretty much breakfast time as far as I’m concerned, it’s going to be a long wait until teatime (dinnertime for non-northerners). Oh, and she deemed the menu item I asked for to be “too cheap” for me so she ordered the most expensive one (6rmb instead of the 4rmb one I wanted).

Anyway, I sat down to eat while reading a book (Among the Russians by Colin Thubron), straight away one of my colleagues came into the kitchen looking concerned and said:

“you shouldn’t read while you are eating”

“what???”

“yes, it is bad for your health”

Ah well, at least they’re looking out for me, but seriously, where do they get these ideas from?

I was looking back through some old pictures today and I came across this, every time I see it I get a lump in my throat and I start filling up, I had to share it with you.

This was taken at the start of December last year, the staff at my apartment always do something to make us Westerners feel at home during the yuletide period, a lonely time for a single LaoWei in a foreign country.

Before you look at the picture I’ll remind you that the staff (I like to think of them as heroes) are not paid for this and do not even celebrate Christmas but every year they work tirelessly putting up decorations and making the place look Christmassy.

Anyway, last year they pulled out all the stops to produce this magnificent display, I can’t imagine how they’re going to follow it this year!

A contractor just came into my office to touch up a couple of spots on the wall with fresh paint, he’s carrying his safety helmet upside down in his hand.

Ah yes, it’s full of paint.

No paint can in sight, presumably he filled up the helmet at the depot and then rode his moped here one handed, holding it aloft like a waiter delivering soup in a busy restaurant.

After 3 years in China I barely notice these things any more..

UPDATE: The man who waters the plants just came into the office, I go into attack mode the second I see him. He’s been doing it for two years now and he’s still using the same broken bucket. He uses a paper cup to transfer miniscule amounts of water to the plant bit by bit (it takes approximately 15 to 20 1/3 full cups of water to water each plant).

Every time the cup comes out of the bucket he dribbles a trail of water across the carpet between the bucket and the plant, staring at me continuously as he does it.

I swear I’m going to blow one of these days and turn the bucket upside-down over his head

Hmm, another no photo post, I’ll be shedding readers like Swiss James sheds hair at this rate (actually I heard that he just moults for the summer and grows back a huge ginger mott in the Autumn).

Anyway, here’s a few questions I’ve been asked by the Chinee over the years. I’ll add some more when I remember them.

• So which side of the pavement do you have to walk on in the UK?
• Err, you can walk anywhere you want
• (In awe) Such Freedom!!

• Oh, we think you really enjoyed yourself when you went back home at Christmas
• Why is that?
• Because when you came back you are much fatter

• Is it true that Westerners always sleep on the side of their heads?
• What?
• At school we were told that Westerners always sleep on their sides, that is why the back of their head is round, Chinese always sleep on their backs so their head is flat.
• I sleep standing up

• How many times a day do Westerners go to McDonalds?
• Why do you ask that?
• Oh, at school our teachers told us that Westerners go to McDonalds several times every day.
• Yes, at least several

Edit: Ok, I can post 1 pic with a tenuous link to the last one!!! This is how McDonalds on Tianyaoqiao Lu (24 hour) looks at 6am, basically it’s completely packed out but nobody is eating, a lot of people sleeping on laptop bags etc so I’m assuming they stay there for the whole night.

McDonalds Hostel on Tianyaoqiao Lu, Five Michelin Stars!

I took the day off today, I had a few things to do and fancied a lazy day.

Anyway, I ended up going for a top to toe massage at Dragonfly on Xinle Lu. They’re expensive but very relaxing, you get a foot massage and head massage at the same time, kind of like a spitroast except with pauper migrant workers instead of millionaire football players.

The similarities are close enough, I’m going to write an email to The Sun newspaper, naming and shaming the masseuses, should be worth a few grand I reckon.

Ok, so I find myself newly single and on the internet (I was out of absynthe) and found myself looking at personal ads on a Shanghai advertising website. It’s a depressing read, it’s all M31 WLTM F18-21 170cm, GSOH, loves sports … … presumably these people write their ads in SMS on ancient mobile phones and write LOL at the end of every message.

Anyway, I ended up posting this nonsense:

“Chronic insomniac seeks very boring girl for nights of passionless sleep.

Me:

• Frustrated pillow punching
• Panda eyes
• Caffeine abuse
• Nodding off in the pub

You:

• Uninspiring looks
• Monotonous voice
• Excruciatingly dull
• Dreadful saggy pyjamas with faded cartoon prints of puppies
• Endless mindnumbing prattle about imagined human emotions of your neighbours’ cat

Email me and tell me about the shoes you saw in the sale at Hotwind to start me nodding off”

I got a total of 8 replies which I reckon is pretty good (mind you, some of those were from guys telling me they thought my ad was funny), one of the girls who replied told me she’d got a total of 65 replies to her uninspiring ad, so you see, guys are wasting their time advertising really. Mind you, I reckon at least 63 of the replies she got were from guys asking to smell her underwear or look at pictures of themselves debasing themselves (if the replies I got are anything to judge by).

Anyway, that’s when I figured this writing thing could be fun, well, not fun but maybe it’s an excuse not to spend every available 5 minutes in the pub.

Mind you, I could always take my laptop to Big Bamboo, they’ve got HiFi interweb access, or something.

EDIT:

Ok, as requested by Mr Swiss here are the replies:

1. Hi, great ad!
2. ok, you win – this is the best ad i’ve seen in my life!
3. Hello, I will give you something to maek you slepp!!
4. honey you don’t need nodding off you need waking up – don’t do passionless – but do, do passionate – hope your text was a ploy and a play with words, rather than the real deal – good luck if it is!
5. dude you might just be the most hilarious person who’s ad i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. sorry about your insomnia
6. hello,I am a young single and never married girl seeking true love for a long term relationship with marriage potentials,i am happy to contact you after going through your profile which got my interest!i will love us to be good friends or a lot more,you can contact me through( XXXXXXX@yahoo.com )till i hear from you,bye and kisses!
7. Hello Dear, I saw your profile and some thing about you motivated me to comminicate with you,so how is life treating you over there,well i will like you to contact me back with this my email (xxxxx@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my pictures and tell you more about me.
   Awaiting to hear from you
   Yours xxxxx
8. dear sir, I would me much obliged if you could send your postal address to me so that I may send items of soiled underwear and various graphic photographs of myself to you, I assume there is no issue with sending packages to China from Switzerland?

I didn’t get any pics in faded snoopy print pyjamas, but I’m sure i’ll be inundated with pictures from female subscribers after this! I’ll post them up here if I get any!