“Of course I would” I replied without actually having any idea what I was letting myself in for. As he’d said it an idea had formed in my mind of a small Cotswold style tea room staffed by elderly Japanese ladies in black and White pinafores serving up buttered scones and marmalade with pots of tea in hand-knitted cosies, maybe even a selection of fairycakes in one of those tiered cake stands with frilly doilies.. My mouth was watering at the thought of it, apparently I’d forgotten that I was in Japan…

We’d been in Akihabara so that I could salivate over expensive cameras in Yodobashi camera, a single electronics store six stories high that’s probably bigger than the whole of cybermart on Huaihai lu. I’d met with one if their Canon specialists and managed to negotiate a damn good price on a 5d kit (who said there was no bartering in Japan??) and was in the mood for celebrating, a maid cafe sounded the perfect start.

So, after paying for the sushi we headed back to Akihabara station, walked straight through and back out the other side onto one of the streets lined with electronics shops. Almost immediately we were approached by a girl dressed in an exaggerated French maid outfit with a short skirt, petticoats galore, an enormous bow in her hair and furry cat ears, she pushed a flyer into my hand..

Some typical Akihabara maids, I didn't take a pic myself, it was dark so I nicked this off the net and then lost the link, if this is your pic please let me know and I'll restore the linkback!

“Ah, this will do” says K. I looked at the flyer:

“Errrm, what kind of place us this again???” I asked. We’d walked past a Hub a couple of minutes ago (British style bar that sells crisps and pints of bitter) and was starting to regret not just popping in there. “oh it’s fine” he replied, “it’s a type of manga cosplay” (costume play), don’t worry it’s not what you think.

We followed the smiling chatty girl (who unfortunately/fortunately, I haven’t decided which, only spoke Japanese) into one of the shop fronts to an elevator and went up to the third or fourth floor to an entrance hall. A receptionist rushed over gushing and giving such a hearty welcome that I had to check if she was an old friend of K’s, they’d never met… She handed over hot towels and explained the pricing, entrance was 1000 yen (8 quid) each and we had to order a minimum of 4 items from the menu (and strictly no photos of the maids before you ask why there’s so few pics), which included standard drinks and food (typical Tokyo pricing) and a number of “specials”, all of which were thousands of yen and all written in Japanese. We agreed to the pricing and were led inside.

My first impression of the place was of a strip club made of marshmallow, everything was pink. There were probably 20 tables with a central raised stage and an open kitchen/bar to one side, the place was staffed by half a dozen maids dressed identically to the maids outside talking in a constant very annoying high pitched whiney voice. I noted the clientele, a group of 5 or 6 ladies eating ice cream, a couple of amused/bewildered backpackers, several couples over at the far side and then a number of tables of “Otaku” (male anime/manga obsessives), some sitting alone and others sitting in groups.

I noticed that some of the Otaku had books on their tables (one had four or five, neatly stacked to one side), I don’t know what it was about them, but some of them made me nervous. The maid promptly led us across and sat us right in the middle of them, next to an overweight guy with a carrier bag of what i’d eventually figure out were Polaroid photos and a permanent smirk which became a full-on “here’s johnny” grin whenever one of the maids got into character, I made a mental note never to make eye contact with him and concentrated on the menu.

We ordered a couple of drinks and an ice cream from the menu and K started to explain more about maid cafes. Apparently they started around 10 years ago and as I understand it they have filled the gap that geisha left behind, with businessmen being replaced by Otaku and kimonos replaced by maid outfits influenced by various manga and anime. Some of the more popular “special items” include things like spoon feeding, where you order something like ice cream and pay a few thousand yen for the maid to tell you that it’s medicine which will make you all better while spooning it into your mouth (yes I was getting weirded out by this point…)

The maid reappeared with our drinks, knelt down next to our table and began talking in Japanese, K translated, “here are your drinks, I’ll help you to make them even more tasty with some magic, please follow my hand symbols and repeat the words after me”. She made us join our two thumbs and forefingers together in a heart shape and wave them round the glasses while chanting some unintelligible magic words which would apparently have the desired effect.  I was totally weirded out by this point, even more so when a couple of the Otaku on neighbouring tables chanted along with the maid and looked absolutely delighted with themselves, I’d just about had enough of the place at this point I was so freaked out, I just wanted to leave.

Shortly after our ice cream arrived. The maid had decorated it for us, as a cute puppy, of course that was only half the job and we had to help her chant a new magic spell to make it “super tasty”, the Otaku beside us was having the time of his life, I decided that I definitely wasn’t going to be ordering anything else, even if my life depended on it.

To be fair though the ice cream was pretty good and took my mind off the place for a while until some loud music started and one of the maids danced on stage while miming to the song, it was all very clap your hands, turn around, point to the right, point to the left etc. I was very confused, was I supposed to find it sexy? cute? or what exactly?? I certainly wasn’t finding it sexy..

Shortly after the song finished one of the Otaku must have ordered one of the specials, the maids all gathered round his table, a couple of them with cocktail shakers and sang a song while dancing shaking the cocktail, pretty much all of the Otaku joined in.

K reminded me that we had to order 4 items and we’d only ordered 3 so far, I was running out of options if I was to escape further humiliation when I noticed at the bottom of the menu that you could get your photo taken with one of the maids for 500 yen (4 quid), perfect for the blog I thought!

Well, of course it never works out as easy as you’d hope..K explained to our maid that I wanted to buy a pic and as I was glancing around trying to figure out which quiet, out of the way corner of the room the pic would be taken K nudged me and told me to hurry up, “what?”, “she’s waiting for you”, I looked to where he was pointing and my heart sank, she was up on the stage beckoning me up with all eyes watching. I got up on stage and stood next to her as another maid came across with the polaroid, she spoke in Japanese to everyone, there were giggles and nods of agreement, “she says that you look like Totoro” K informed me, “she says you must both pose as Totoro”, I copied her pose, there was a flash and I left the stage.

Totoro, my new nickname in our Tokyo office

A couple of the Otaku wanted their photos taken too and got up after me, followed by the guy who had the 5 books on his table. When it was his turn he stood next to the maid and she told him how she thought they should pose. He disagreed, he had his own suggestion.. He promptly got down on the floor, curled up in a ball and asked the maid to put her foot on his head for the photo, which, hesitatingly, she did. The other maid took the photo and the guy left the stage looking very pleased with himself. Well, if I said I’d been weirded out before that was nothing compared to how I was feeling now… Some of the Otaku were talking to each other now and looking at the books, that’s when I realised they weren’t books, they were photo albums filled with polaroids from maid cafes, these guys obviously go from cafe to cafe collecting them. Some of these guys must have had a hundred or more pics and I’m just making a wild guess, there could well have been significantly more, it must cost them an absolute fortune!

Our maid came back with my photo, which she’d decorated for me and scribbled something which was supposed to be my name, I haven’t got a clue what she actually wrote

"Heavens Gate" was the name of the cafe, god knows what else she wrote

“Great, can we get out of here now” I asked K, “oh, the maid said there will be another dance routine soon, do you not want to stay for that?”, “errrrr… CHECK PLEASE!!!!”

We paid up and left and that was my maid cafe experience finished, I left none the wiser about what they were all about than before I went in, it was a little too odd for me, I just didn’t get it.

Mind you K mentioned that there’s one with a church theme where they all dress as catholic nuns! Maybe I could bear just one more trip, only for the blog of course….

A quick glance over a couple of shoulders had me a little surprised, they were all playing Pokemon. This was a bit of a surprise, I figured Pokemon was all a bit mid 1990s, I had no idea there was still a following (but honestly, in Japan nothing surprises me) and judging by the age of some of the players they’d probably been at it since the first release (they must be absolutely rubbish at it, I generally finish a game within a couple of weeks..)

The reason they hang out here is that they’re just outside the “Pokemon Centre“, which judging by the number of people inside buying overpriced Pikachu plushes was still doing a roaring trade. I popped in for a quick walk around the unbelievably large range of products all based on a game from 15 years ago.

So there you have it, Pokemon, still relevant in Japan…..

That is all

But who can tell me what happens in the “romance car”, presumably this is for women who miss the old days??

The two seats on the left were deemed acceptable by this team of official inspectors.

Anyway, last weekend I met Debbie and Mark, who now live in Japan, and took them shopping in Shibuya (much to Mark’s dismay) and then walked up to Harajuku to have a look at the cosplayerisers. I’d actually been there before on a previous trip but never really saw anyone (I kind of got mixed up and thought the bridge that people talk about was the metal bridge over the road, not the stone one to the park, I did see a guy dressed as a cat though, who was lying on the ground licking his hand and grooming his hair, I decided he was insane and best avoided at all costs, so no photos unfortunately) but I’d got a few tips from a local this time. So we made our way to the bridge between Harajuku station and Yoyogi Park to see what was happening.

Here’s the first thing we saw:

A rather jolly chap, dressed as a err jedi ping-pong pig or something and offering to sing our national anthem, awfully nice of him, splendid chap!

A photographiserer, note the leg warmers, can’t blame him like, it’s getting chilly, the leopardskin design helps him to blend in with the surroundings and all that and mark him out as a carnivore.

It became quickly apparent that this area seems to becoming more professional, there was a guy with a camera running round screaming at people taking photos and standing in front of them telling them that they had to buy photography licenses from him before they were allowed to take photos of the cosplayers, they seemed to be a group of older cosplayers, but to be honest they made up the majority of the cosplayers there, I think the real scene has moved on (to the nearby Takeshita St and also Akihabara for manga cosplay)  and left behind the group on the bridge trying to make a little money from tourists etc.

Anyway, I hijacked a few photos..

We then moved on to Takeshita street and came across a couple of little bo peeps (the other guys are a couple of other work colleagues who were in Japan with us at the time) at Harajuku station, they were posing for photos with a group of tourists so we jumped in for a group photo.

Takeshita st was mental, totally rammed and full of small markets on side streets selling tat, the sort of place I’d have loved to go when I was a few years younger, I’m far too old for this kind of thing now you know… This seemed a lot more like the real thing though, groups of cosplayers shopping on the side streets and chatting, I’d skip the bridge and just head straight down Takeshita street if you’re reading this and thinking of going.

I wandered round taking a look at some of the cars I used to dream about as a marvellous young chap (I’d still not discovered girls), cars I’d completely forgotten about, brands I’d forgotten existed. But then I remembered the time I bought a 1971 1302S volkswagen beetle and swore never to buy a car older than 5 years old ever again. I like my comforts you see, air conditioning, power assisted steering, ABS etc and driving round in my beetle during winter, wrapped as though I was about make for the arctic circle, wrenching the steering wheel at every corner, virtually standing on the brakes to make it stop, bouncing around on the vinyl seat and stopping every hour or so to clear a blockage in the fuel line put me off them for good, give me a 2 year oldVauxhall Vectra with air con, decent sound system, ABS, comfy seats and I’ll be more than happy, still there’s always those sunny sunday afternoons when i could be a little more flexible… hmm… no, you know what, I’ve spent enough time under the beetle on the freezing garage floor, gashing my knuckles trying to undo rusted up bolts to last me a lifetime, I’ll stick to the Vectra!

How cars should look

What 50 years of advancements have given us

Anyway, it was raining, so I didn’t stay long, I wanted to get back to my nice comfy hotel room and leave the real enthusiasts to it, they’re used to hardship..

Here’s some more pics:

We went for sushi yesterday at the Yakashimiya (something like that anyway) department store at Nagoya Station, in Nagoya, in Japan. It was your typical Japanese restaurant, spotlessly clean with shouted welcomes from all the staff. We were lead along a long alleyway past tables of diners to our table right at the end, fully enclosed by wood panelling, and that was the last time we saw a member of staff until we left the restaurant.

This is the setup, note the touchscreen LCD, you can just make out the yellow and black conveyor belt and a weird thing (the grey rectangle) which I didn’t immediately figure out. Note the two dispensers on the left hand side, one has powdered green tea, the other has red tea (I think), you pour some into one of the cups on the back and take hot water from the dispenser (the silver thing behind the tea dispensers).

All ordering is done via the LCD touchscreen, which thankfully for me, had a full English translation. I went for a couple of portions of small tuna rolls and cucumber rolls (maki?), which had everyone else doubting my sanity (like ordering cheese on toast at Seniors in Blackpool (the poshest restaurant I could think of)) oh and a portion of tuna sushi and some other fish that was white with pink bits, the others all ordered lunch sets.

After a few minutes there’s a beeping and a small light flashes on the table, then a couple of seconds later a plate appears on the conveyor, stops in front of our table, a black bar comes out of the panel at the back and pushes the plate onto the small conveyor on our table (that’s what the grey rectangle is for) and is brought to the centre of our table.

The sets arriving, ooooh you can see the flashy light!!!!!

Only in Japan…

Ok, I exaggerated a little bit, we did see a waitress briefly when I ordered a bottle of ginger ale, it was delivered by hand.

Robotoilet – Turn on, Tune in, Drop out

Basically, when a gentleman is going for a “standing evacuation” you press one of the buttons on the side on the control panel and with a mechanical whirr a pipe appears and delivers a jet of fresh water straight to your mouth. Well, except in my case it was poorly set and delivered the water directly onto my chest, fortunately I was naked (calm down girls) so no great disaster. I noticed a pressure adjuster and with a few clicks was able to lift the jet towards my thirsty mouth. It was a tad warm for my liking but I guess that’s how the locals like it

Toilet Drinking Fountain

One thing I found a bit odd is that the toilet seat has to be down for the fountain to work, normally when I’m standing I’ll put the seat up so I don’t sprinkle it, bit of a design flaw if you ask me..

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night about this miracle of Japanese engineering, she was equally impressed, she described it as “an eloquent display of gaijin barbarism”, I’m not really sure what she mean’t but I can tell she was impressed.

Other stuff:

Japanesish View from my Hotel Room

Don’t Ask, it’s Probably “Bad for the Health” or Something

Something typically Japanese happening in Japan (Nagoya to be exact) last night

My Chinese colleague doesn’t like the place, “it is TOO clean” he says, “it is not personal”, he can only smoke in certain areas and has to put the butt in the street ashtrays, this is “very inconvenient”.

One thing I really like out here is the road works, outside our office in Japan they’re fitting out a coffee shop, everything is boarded up and does not impinge on the pavement but they still employ two guys to stand at either end of the boarded up building to apologise profusely about the inconvenience and advise on how to best proceed past the works.

Apologising profusely to someone exiting the building

“Almost safe now, just a few more steps sir, you’re doing REALLY well!!”

Next to the road, leaning on the bollards, you can see two red batons, they normally use these to wave at passers-by and indicate the correct path to take. Actually there is a small blade inside each of these, if a pedestrian is too inconvenienced by the roadworks both streetworkers commit immediate ritual suicide to restore face.

Tomorrow – Japanese toilets

UPDATE:

Sushi!!! HAI !!!!

Surely these just all rattle against each other every time there’s an earthquake?

Hermetically sealed building work

Note the amount of effort to completely seal the work from the street, even the most minor gap is sealed up with tape and the boards have been perfectly cut around the steps. It’s pretty much watertight, If they get a water leak in there all the staff are basically going to drown.