Dingle Speaks

Here it is folks, the new extreme sport which is about to sweep the nation / world, Virtual Moustaching(TM) or “Veeming” as the cool cats like to call it. (Note, I’ve been saying this since I went through a phase taking these pics in 2000).

Making your own virtual moustache is as easy as one, two, veem

1 – Find a “veemee” with long hair, the hotter the better

2 – Grab a lock of hair and plant it on your upper lip in pimpin stylee

3 – Have sex (veemers always get the girl)

The Dirty Django – now his wife!!

The Fu ManChu

The Sugar Bertie

Everyone has to start somewhere

The Piece de Resistance – Every Veemer should aspire to reach these heights

AMAZING VIRTUAL MOUSTACHE FACTS

• The Virtual Moustache is the male G-Spot
• Virtual Moustachers get laid EVERY NIGHT and with the HOTTEST CHICKS
• Virtual Moustaching helps to achieve enlightment (only under a controlled spiritual diet)

Reader submissions

Come on you crazy cats,the gauntlet has well and truly been laid down (and then picked up and slapped on your mouth), do you think you can do better than the veemers at Dingle Speaks, send your submissions to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com and I’ll post them here.

She was already at the bar when we arrived, writing on her notepad and occasionally ripping pieces off and putting them into a bag.

We ordered our beer and wandered across, she’d volunteered at a local OAP home since our first year, she was to spend the day there at the weekend and was organising activities, “charades” she said. I offered to help and took a sheet of paper and a pen; “songs or movies” she said.

I wrote down three, tore them off and put them into the bag; “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” and “Stairway to Heaven” came to me immediately, “Urotsukidoji; Legend of the Overfiend” took a few seconds longer, something to keep the old blighters on their toes.

So there’s this bar on Julu Lu called Dan’s Old Farmhouse and they have this homebrew concoction called Black Pig. I have no idea what’s in it, it tastes a bit like liquorice mixed with petrol, but it does you proper fine and dandy.

This week one of my good friends (who doesn’t like to be named on the internet but let’s call him John for the sake of argument) agreed to demonstrate the potency of this brew, see the evidence below:

Several Black Pigs:

The normal, shy disposition has disappeared, bongo playing proficiency increased 100 fold, mouth permanently open ready for more Black Pig. You can also observe the effects on Swiss James in the video at around the 46 second mark, drooling like a baby.

A couple more:

Coherency still good, now moved on to playing air guitar and hurling abuse at the bar staff for playing the wrong music.

A couple more

Yeah, that’ll do it.

You’ve all read these adverts that say “EAT AND DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE AND STILL LOSE WEIGHT“, well, with the Professor Dingle Weekend Hangover Science Diet(TM) you really can eat as much as you like* and drink as much as you like** and still lose weight***

Here’s how it works:

Friday

6pm – you’re just leaving work, try to get a nap on your journey home to prepare for the night to come

Dingle top tip – if you drive to work learn how to rest one side of the brain at a time and keep the other eye open (a bit like a dolphin)

7pm – You’ve just arrived home, you’ll need some light exercise to loosen yourself up, 10 to 20 minutes is PLENTY!

Dingle top tip – Ironing the shirt you’ll be wearing later or chatting to some friends on MSN are perfect low-impact exercise routines that are easy to master.

8pm – 9:30pm – try to get out as soon as possible in the evening to a local drinking establishment with some friends, order the largest available beers and drink as if you are quenching a great thirst. Eat light snacks to build energy for the remainder of the night (portions of French fries with copious amounts of ketchup are ideal)

Dingle top tip – if you are late arriving at the pub try drinking “chasers”, a straight double vodka downed between beers or depth-charged straight into the pint. SHAZZAMM!!!!

10pm – Don’t forget to exercise regularly during the night, you’re taking on a lot of calories with that beer which you’ll need to burn off. Exercise lightly at first (try playing darts or maybe pool with friends) and then with vigour later (jumping around on the dance floor and chest-fiving complete strangers)

Dingle top tip – never put your beer down, you’re burning off extra calories all the time while you’re holding it

11pm – you’re getting quite bloated now, it’s time to move onto the shorts, cocktails are ok but aim for at least three alcoholic ingredients (e.g. B52s). Straight double vodkas (no ice) are really your best bet here.

Saturday

5am – it’s time to think about going home, but hold on, it’s almost light, another half an hour should do it, get another beer while you’re waiting!

6am - you’ve just been woken up by the taxi driver at the road junction you asked for, tell him which direction to turn for your apartment and then fall asleep again just before you reach the apartment, the driver will wake you up again at the next junction and you can just walk back from there.

6:15am, you’ve just got into bed and you’re sweating profusely and are swallowing back saliva, it’s time to run to the bathroom to get rid of those extra calories that still haven’t been absorbed, on your way back to bed grab that large saucepan you keep in the bathroom and place it beside your head on the pillow

Dingle top tip – try to be ill as violently as possible to burn off the last few calories from the beer you’ve been drinking.

11am – you really don’t want to get up but you’ve been dying for the toilet for the last 2 hours and you’re in serious danger of hosing the duvet, roll your sweaty body out of bed and stumble to the bathroom, don’t bother trying to stand, just sit down (never tell your friends). On the way back to bed pick up some breakfast, don’t overdo it, a glass of water and two paracetamol is ALL YOUR BODY NEEDS right now.

4pm – you really don’t feel any better but you really need to get out of bed or you’re not going to make it out tonight, drag the duvet over to the sofa and put on a dvd, time for a late lunch, another couple of paracetamol should do it.

7pm – you’ve watched a dvd and slept for a while, it’s time for some light exercise, text your friends and find out if they’re going out tonight

Dingle top tip – turn off predictive text for a harder workout

8pm – it’s time to meet your friends and start all over again, it’s time for your first meal of the day, let’s not overdo it, a portion of chips shared over a pint of beer are the perfect combination for the night ahead, your friends are probably already noticing your slimmer look, by Sunday night you’ll be a waif.

Dingle top tip – you might be a little lethargic at the beginning of the night, that’s ok, you just need a few chargers, a couple of double vodka-redbulls or shotgunned Bacardi breezers should set you up for the night ahead.

* – during the week (within reason)

** – at the weekend

*** – not based on any evidence

I took the day off today, I had a few things to do and fancied a lazy day.

Anyway, I ended up going for a top to toe massage at Dragonfly on Xinle Lu. They’re expensive but very relaxing, you get a foot massage and head massage at the same time, kind of like a spitroast except with pauper migrant workers instead of millionaire football players.

The similarities are close enough, I’m going to write an email to The Sun newspaper, naming and shaming the masseuses, should be worth a few grand I reckon.