Dingle Speaks

I literally bumped into her as I cut my way through the crowd, knocking the drink out of her hand and onto the floor. I pushed the broken glass into the corner with my foot and made my way over to the bar to buy her another drink.

We made small talk, nothing of consequence, we chatted about the music, the weather, a girls shoes. As we spoke she looked at me with her soft, brown eyes, twirling her hair round a finger, she said she wanted to dance with her friends but I wasn’t in the mood. She stayed and talked.

Later when I needed to leave she told me that she liked me, she would like to see me again she said, she could come back with me, spend the night with me, images flashed through my mind of her undressing.

I picked up my coat, “it was nice to meet you”, I said, “but I don’t think so, not tonight, maybe I’ll see you around”,

I left the bar and jumped into a waiting taxi, she was nice but I’d got better ways to spend 1000rmb.

I pulled into her driveway and stopped the car. Should I keep the engine running?

I looked across at her, our eyes met, she was smiling. Her parents were away she said, she was all alone, it was late, I should rest a while, would I like to come inside and meet her dogs?

I nervously fumbled with my seatbelt and followed her to the door. Would I know what to do when the time came?

The butterflies in my stomach grew restless, I suddenly needed the bathroom, she would meet me in the lounge she said.

As I entered the lounge she was leaning on the fireplace. How does this work, should I sit on the sofa where she can sit next to me?

For the first time I thought of the dogs, the familiar smell was not there and I’d heard no scratching, ‘where are the dogs’ I asked. As I spoke the words I saw that she was clutching something wooden to her chest.

I stepped towards her and noticed another two identical objects atop the mantlepiece.

She opened the urn, “This is Mitsy” she said.

You were the mute hunchback in tan hessian cowering next to the large switches, I was the bespectacled gentleman with wild platinum hair leaning on the electrostatic platform.

You mumbled something about dire consequences but were drowned out by the rolling thunder.

As the explosion ripped through the castle our eyes met for an instant and you reached for my hand, I knocked you to the floor as I made for the door.

You had blue eyes.

If you are there ring the bells at noon tomorrow and I will find thee

Ok, so I find myself newly single and on the internet (I was out of absynthe) and found myself looking at personal ads on a Shanghai advertising website. It’s a depressing read, it’s all M31 WLTM F18-21 170cm, GSOH, loves sports … … presumably these people write their ads in SMS on ancient mobile phones and write LOL at the end of every message.

Anyway, I ended up posting this nonsense:

“Chronic insomniac seeks very boring girl for nights of passionless sleep.

Me:

• Frustrated pillow punching
• Panda eyes
• Caffeine abuse
• Nodding off in the pub

You:

• Uninspiring looks
• Monotonous voice
• Excruciatingly dull
• Dreadful saggy pyjamas with faded cartoon prints of puppies
• Endless mindnumbing prattle about imagined human emotions of your neighbours’ cat

Email me and tell me about the shoes you saw in the sale at Hotwind to start me nodding off”

I got a total of 8 replies which I reckon is pretty good (mind you, some of those were from guys telling me they thought my ad was funny), one of the girls who replied told me she’d got a total of 65 replies to her uninspiring ad, so you see, guys are wasting their time advertising really. Mind you, I reckon at least 63 of the replies she got were from guys asking to smell her underwear or look at pictures of themselves debasing themselves (if the replies I got are anything to judge by).

Anyway, that’s when I figured this writing thing could be fun, well, not fun but maybe it’s an excuse not to spend every available 5 minutes in the pub.

Mind you, I could always take my laptop to Big Bamboo, they’ve got HiFi interweb access, or something.

EDIT:

Ok, as requested by Mr Swiss here are the replies:

1. Hi, great ad!
2. ok, you win – this is the best ad i’ve seen in my life!
3. Hello, I will give you something to maek you slepp!!
4. honey you don’t need nodding off you need waking up – don’t do passionless – but do, do passionate – hope your text was a ploy and a play with words, rather than the real deal – good luck if it is!
5. dude you might just be the most hilarious person who’s ad i’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. sorry about your insomnia
6. hello,I am a young single and never married girl seeking true love for a long term relationship with marriage potentials,i am happy to contact you after going through your profile which got my interest!i will love us to be good friends or a lot more,you can contact me through( XXXXXXX@yahoo.com )till i hear from you,bye and kisses!
7. Hello Dear, I saw your profile and some thing about you motivated me to comminicate with you,so how is life treating you over there,well i will like you to contact me back with this my email (xxxxx@yahoo.com) so that i will give you my pictures and tell you more about me.
   Awaiting to hear from you
   Yours xxxxx
8. dear sir, I would me much obliged if you could send your postal address to me so that I may send items of soiled underwear and various graphic photographs of myself to you, I assume there is no issue with sending packages to China from Switzerland?

I didn’t get any pics in faded snoopy print pyjamas, but I’m sure i’ll be inundated with pictures from female subscribers after this! I’ll post them up here if I get any!