Dingle Speaks

When I first arrived in China and was looking for an ayi and a driver someone once told me that they’re both more trouble than they’re worth. I have to say that I disagree completely but there are times when I wonder..

A few months ago I’d been on a business trip and came back to find my leadership certificate absolutely drenched and basically ruined on the cupboard at the back of my office where I’d been proudly displaying it (yes I was suffering temporary insanity). I figured out someone had done this on purpose but nobody seemed to know anything about it. I kind of forgot about it.

Then two weeks ago the ayi came into my office to water the plants (although she’s now using the bottom half of a starbucks latte bottle rather than the old paper cup I complained about in 2008, she’s gone up in the world you know!). 20 minutes later I looked around and noticed a huge puddle of water spreading from the plant across my cupboard.

The square shape is from the large moulding I’d put there and moved to one side to clean up.

I immediately figured out that this was how my certificate got trashed, it had been bang in the middle of all that water when I’d left it there and had apparently soaked up all the water.. So, I complained to admin and explained my anger and asked her to tell the ayi to be more careful in the future. She called back to assure me she’d done this.

Then, the next week she came round again watering the plants, and sure enough…

Yes, this is really a different picture from another week, I was foolish enough to put the moulding back thinking it would never happen again…

Not sure where to go from here, other than to just throw the plant out of the window..

That was what my mum always used to say, and after what happened last night I have every reason to believe her.

continue reading…

It’s been a while since I left Australia and I still haven’t finished uploading the stuff I intended to.. And this week I’m in Japan, which leaves me with a dilemma, do I just throw away the Australia stuff and move to Japan or should I stick to it??

WELL, you’ll be glad to hear that nothing ends up on the cutting room floor at Dingle Speaks, no matter how dull and inane it might be, so let’s be on with it.

So I think I’ll do one of those posts where I just upload all the other pics (pretty much all from Melbourne) and then make short sarcastic comments about each one, partly because it’s the only way I’ll get through everything and partly because it’s 6am and despite the fact that I’m sitting in front of my laptop in a Japanese hotel my brain is still well and truly in bed.

Anyway:

(click for full size) Melbourne was covered in graffiti. Porky reckoned a lot of it was commissioned to stop the junk graffiti (who would dare write “GAZ 4 EMMA” in thick sharpie over any of this? Well, yes, lots of people apparently

A side alley off Flinders Lane, I thought this place was really cool, this tags me as a “white guy” according to What White People Like (according to Porky)

Weird cybersex booths all over town, does Australia not have uncensored internet anyway????/ continue reading…

Poor old H, she’s got this favourite jumper you see.

She washed it you see

It shrunked you see

She wants your help you see

Wants it big again you see

You see?

(some young waitresses taking a break – translated by my friend)

I really hate going to the ATM.

Why?

The machine always swallows my card.

Why does the machine always swallow your card.

Oh, every time I have to use the ATM I get really stressed with worrying about it swallowing my card so once I’ve put in the card and typed in the number I forget why I went to the bank. I have to think really hard why I went there and by the time I remember the machine has already taken the card. <cue everyone in the restaurant wailing with laughter and me asking my friend to translate>

So what happens when you need to get money or pay your wages into the bank

Oh, I have to take a ticket and queue for one or two hours inside the bank <cue even harder laughing>

Anyway, talking of indecisiveness here’s a pic I took on my flight back to Shanghai last Friday.

To see or not to see, that is the question

Look mummy, I made a sweat angel!!!

How to make your very own sweat angel:

Preparation begins on a Friday night and is almost identical to the preparation for Professor Dingle Weekend Hangover Science Diet™, probably best not to mix it up too much though and make it an early night (for the example above I was tucked up in bed with a mug of cocoa by about 4am).

Get up nice and early and enjoy a hearty breakfast (for the example above my boss was picking me up at 8:30 am so I rolled out of bed at around 8:20 and had the usual 2 paracetamol for breakfast on my way out of the door).

Indulge in vigorous exercise to build up a sweat (In this case I played around half a game of badminton with an important customer at 10am in an un-airconditioned sports hall in the midst of shanghai summer (think 38°C and 90% humidity))

Careful Construction of a Sweat Angel by SuperDingle

Carefully lie down on the floor in a star shape and move your arms up and down to make the wings (after 10 minutes of badminton I stumbled off the court and collapsed, the star shape was a coincidence, I moved my arms up and down to check if I was still alive after about 20 minutes).

Stand up and admire your work with friends, preserve the moment forever with a photograph. (my giggling work colleagues spent around 10 minutes taking photographs of me lying on the floor, barely clutching to life, before eventually helping me up so I could be ill in the bathroom).

That’s it kids, don’t forget to send me pictures of your very own sweat angel to feature in the gallery.

Next week: Piss Fairies

I was just eating my lunch, a pathetic offering of Lanzhou Lamien, delivered by moped from the nearby town. I asked them to separate the noodles from the soup but they didn’t bother, by the time it arrived the noodles were like mashed potato and I had to eat them with a spoon (well, the two or three mouthfulls before I threw the lot in the bin).

What’s more my colleague couldn’t be bothered to wait for an appropriate time to order so they ended up arriving at 11:25 (in the AM), which is pretty much breakfast time as far as I’m concerned, it’s going to be a long wait until teatime (dinnertime for non-northerners). Oh, and she deemed the menu item I asked for to be “too cheap” for me so she ordered the most expensive one (6rmb instead of the 4rmb one I wanted).

Anyway, I sat down to eat while reading a book (Among the Russians by Colin Thubron), straight away one of my colleagues came into the kitchen looking concerned and said:

“you shouldn’t read while you are eating”

“what???”

“yes, it is bad for your health”

Ah well, at least they’re looking out for me, but seriously, where do they get these ideas from?