One thing which travel books don’t tell you is that when a foreigner leaves Australia his bags are scanned and he is asked a number of questions.

The purpose of these questions is to ascertain that the tourist has fulfilled their legal requirement to purchase one of the following items:

1. a boomerang (emblazoned with a sketch of australia in the aboriginal style)
2. a didgeridoo (emblazoned with various colourful patterns in the aboriginal style)
3. a crocodile dundee style hat (complete with fake crocodile strap embellished with fake crocodile teeth at regular intervals)
4. a piece of “genuine” aboriginal dot-art featuring childlike portrayals of koala bears and kangaroos.

note: item 2 is essential for dreadlocked gapyear twats, regardless of whether they’re carrying items 1 or 3.

If you do not have one of these items in your luggage you’ll not be permitted to leave the country and will be directed to a store at the airport to complete your purchase, a bit like this one:

As I left Australia it was fortunately evident that everyone leaving had fulfilled their duty to purchase one of the items above (and in a number of cases they were actually wearing item 3 to demonstrate their compliance to law), unfortunately I was lacking. As I approached customs I had nothing to show and prepared myself for the worst. Fortunately during the search of my luggage they found the item below and after a heated discussion I was let off with a severe warning:

I took my scrotum into the office today, took it out of the packaging and left it on the desk. Sure enough within about ten minutes one of my colleagues had walked over, picked it up, sniffed the inside of it and started stuffing his fingers inside to find out what it was for, “what is it???  is it for coins????”.

I waited until he was knuckle deep before telling him where it came from…