H Gives Me The Horn

H went up to Shenyang (capital of Liaoning province, the bit near North Korea) the other week for a family wedding. I was there when she left, “DON’T FORGET TO BUY ME AN EXPENSIVE GIFT” I shouted as I ran down the street alongside her taxi to the airport, skipping and waving frantically.

She didn’t let me down:

If you’re not sure what you’re looking at this is a presentation box of sliced deer horn, the whole thing is about an inch thick and you can see from the photo that the box is stuffed full of the stuff!! Deer horn, if you didn’t know, is a magical substance in China which according to this site can:

Increase blood volume and blood flow in body
Provide extra energy to the body
Remedy sexual disorders in men
Remedy sore muscles on limbs
Strengthen kidney functionalities
Strengthen bone structures
Remedy cold hands and feet
Enable rapid healing to the body

This is all according to the old man that sells the stuff and probably not based on any scientific evidence whatsoever, but it all sounds like good stuff, so why not!

Here’s a close-up:

The box was stapled shut with several large staples, I thought this was a little odd, damaging the carved presentation box when they could have just used a little tape, but I went and fetched the pliers from the orange Ikea tool box and pulled them out one by one. Finally I opened the box and realised why it had been stapled shut:

Tits……..

One layer of paper-thin antler slices covering the windows in the box, the rest is an inch thick block of packing foam… The impossible has happened, H has been ripped off!!!!

Or so I thought, actually it turns out that someone else gave them to H as a gift and she actually bought me NOTHING!!! N O T H I N G… THE MASSIVE BITCH!!!!!!! I’m thinking of dumping her..

Oh by the way, if you’re a vegetarian or an animal lover you probably shouldn’t click on this link to see how they go about sawing the antlers off.