Using a public toilet is a potentially hazardous situation, selection of an appropriate toilet strategy is critical for reasons of hygiene, especially when you consider that on a typical day your average public toilet will see the full spectrum, from diarrhoea ridden hoverers through to George Michael pleasuring policemen.
Ok, I’m going to start with one of them new fangled surveys
Loading ...Personally I’m a big fan of making a nest but I have been known to hover when times were desperate (and a more thorough clean of the porcelain would be needed), I’m always a bit nervous about getting it wrong and ending up with unwanted guests in the back of my trousers though.
I’ll never forget one of my former colleagues telling me he was once caught out in town and desperately needed to go, he popped into a public toilet to find the lights had gone, he was desperate though and found his way into a cublicle, grabbed a bundle of paper and wiped around the seat. Later as he got up he found himself slightly stuck to the seat and came to the realisation that the previous user had hovered but had been off with his aim, when he’d wiped around with the bundle of paper he’d merely spread it around the entire seat.
It was immediately after hearing this story that I became a fan of making nests.
So without further ado, here is my guide to making a fine and dandy toilet nest which I hear on good account is a similar design to the one HER MAJESTY HERSELF uses when rollerblading in Hyde Park.
Step 1 – Select a Cubicle
Select the correct cubicle before you begin, although Professor Dingle’s Toilet Nest(R) will cover a multitude of sins it cannot work miracles, see the image above for selection guidelines (simulated to protect the squeamish womenfolk).
Before we start construction of the nest have a good wipe-around with a bundle of toilet paper to remove any splashes or drips from the previous occupant, give the toilet a good flush too while you’re at it.
Step 2 – Laying the Foundations
Tear strips of toilet paper and begin construction of the nest, side supports should be added first and can be thought of the main foundations, these are the real workhorses of the nest and correct placement is critical, if it’s not exactly correct then the whole thing is coming crashing down!
Step 3 – Rear Bracing
The rear bracing strip has two functions:
1 – hold the main side struts in place as you take a seat (they’re prone to blowing away as you sit down).
2 – protect from the inevitable sweaty crack marks at 12 o’clock.
Step 4 -Gentlemans Courtesy Strip (Ladies, please skip to Step 5)
There’s nothing worse than finally taking your seat and getting a cold, hard (and occasionally wet) shock right on the tip of the Matterhorn, protect yourself gentlemen!
Step 5 – Front Bracing
To complete the ring add a front bracing strip to tie everything together and prevent the side struts from splaying out as you sit down.
Step 6 – Anti-Splash Back Defence
The final piece of the jigsaw and one frequently missed by amateur nesters, the nest is complete but you are still at risk of contamination by splash back, scrunch up a few sheets of toilet paper and drop into the pan.
Ok, that’s it, your nest is complete, stand back and admire your work for a few seconds before dropping your trousers and settling into your new throne!!
Why not send pictures of your own toilet nest to Dinglespeaks, I’ll feature them here
email to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com
UPDATE:
Well, it’s been a bumper day for toilet nests today, luckily for you guys I ate Hunan food last night and then needed to leave the hotel at 6:30am so I had to lovingly craft two nests, see below:
Taipei Airport – A very cramped and very hastily constructed nest due to my luggage also being inside my cubicle, low satisfaction rating
Inside a China Airlines Boeing 747, probably somewhere over Shenzhen
The Beaver – midnight 14/11/08
Parkway Health Centre, Xintiandi – 16/11/08
58 Comments
You haven’t included “use a squatter” in your poll selection. Maybe that’s why so few have voted; I suspect your Chinese readership doesn’t know what to choose.
for a true nest, dingle, you need more layers . . . like 3 or 4 more.
angie angie angie, this is the 21st century you know, you can’t go wasting toilet paper willy nilly!!!
Maxie, should I change the poll to “when you use a sit down toilet…”
and there are 21st century pathogens . . .
Interesting angie, you mean that modern pathogens have evolved to overcome toilet paper? How many sheets do I need to provide adequate protection?
Willy nilly? I thought we were talking about number two not number one. What’s Willy got to do with it, or have I got them confused my whole life?
So if you go for a poop at 11am, you’re generally finished by about Thursday?
i think to properly build a nest, there should be at least 2 layers (5 is overkill). one can never be too careful . . . perhaps pathogens have evolved to become smaller and therefore penetrate TP. (i mean after all, thousands of years of technology and the biggest TP advancement made was 2 ply . . . the viruses have had time.)
I’m with Angie on this one (for the record)
For the record, I’d *like* to be with Angie :-p
Angie and Kristi, I’m curious as to how these double layer nests look like, can you please send me pictures?
Woai, that’s a bit subtle, just come out with it.
Dingle – I can’t just come out with it we don’t want to scare her away, she’s your biggest contributor (after yours truly)!
you know i can “hear” you guys, right? . . .
she totally can’t hear us..
Dingle – Can she really hear us? I thought it was just you and me. You think she’s hot too though right? But a bit lippy. Maybe it’s a Texan thing. I wonder what she sounds like in real life.
I’d like to point out that I just got caught in the bathroom by my coworker while making a nest and giggling. When she asked what I was doing I started to explain but gave up.
Then she was like, you’re doing that all wrong and we made another one. Now if I could only figure out how to get the damn pictures off my phone . .
kristi: email them to yourself . . .
woai: i’ve been told i have DS lips. so yes, i AM “lippy”. =P
What the hell does DS stand for, Dirty Slut?
You’re certainly the queen of acronyms, I’ll give you that.
Kristi, pics!!!!!!
you’ll have to ping me to get the answer . . .
or maybe someone else will clue you in. =P
I think I just figured it out, it’s DS as in Nintendo DS, you’re lips are cold, hard, rectangular and touch sensitive
not quite, dingle, not quite.
Oh I give up woman.
Dirty sexy lips?
Dingle Speaks, I wonder, could that be what DS stands for per chance?
Ah, DingleSpeaks lips, yes, that must be it, interesting Angie, can we see a photo?
DS – I think having DS lips does not mean her lips resemble yours but rather that she would like her lips to be attached to yours in the same way that having bedroom eyes does not mean your eyes look like bedrooms.
dick
sucking
lips
(it occurred to me that you brits may not be familiar with the term “dick sucking lips” as:
1. there may be a loss of translation (what are some common british terms for the penis?),
2. british women aren’t any good at it (so i’ve heard), and
3. british men may be unfamiliar with the actual act because of #2 and with the exception of elizabeth hurley, your women have a bit to be desired in the mouth department.)
=P
I like “knob”.
(and I’ve heard that too, more than once
Well readers it all happens on Dingle Speaks, Angie and Kristi (who likes knob) have well and truly thrown down the gauntlet.
I am prepared to volunteer to be the judge, we just need a couple of English (female) volunteers to go head to head against the Americans.
Please send your applications, along with a photograph, to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com
Any volunteers for other judges?
“head to head”, huh?! LOL.
yeah I think DS lips or DSL as I’ve heard it is definitely an American term and are a part of a great American tradition. Dingle, if you’re the judge then only real winner in competition will be you!
Steps 4 and 6 are genius and yes, are completely overlooked by amateurs.
I really laughed out loud reading the blurb for step 4. I know it’s crass to say out loud … but … there’s nothing worse in the life of an average male germophobe than sitting at a public toilet – getting the aforementioned tip-shock … and then slowly realising the hygiene implications of said bowl contact.
Angie – My vast experience has been mainly in Asia. In fact I’ve only been with one English girl and that was well over a month ago, so I can’t remember if she was any good. But surely it’s about technique and not equipment!
Heli82, while I’ll be the first to admit there are some perks involved this is purely science!
it’s ALL about the technique, but having the right equipment is an added bonus.
any thoughts, krisit?
yes dingle, you’re truly a man of science, sacrificing yourself like that . . .
I’m totally going to get myself in trouble on this one, but yeah, again, Angie is correct (no surprise!).
Technique being equal . . . equipment makes a huge difference. Technique isn’t equal that much though, the list of friends I have that won’t do this is big (for the record).
That’s odd, I can’t remember the last time I came (excuse the pun) across someone who wouldn’t do it. Is it an American prudish thing? If so I feel sorry for American guys.
I should add I am more than willing to reciprocate so it’s not a chauvinistic thing!
Woai – many of my girlfriends aren’t American.
But to answer your question I don’t think it’s so much a prudish thing as a selfish thing.
Kristi, name and shame them, I’d be happy to host the list!
I think it’s safe to say Kristi and Angie won’t be making an appearance on that list :-p
i would NEVER appear on that list! ever.
it’s too much fun. too sexy and too easy NOT to do.
and it’s HOT.
=)
thank you kristi for your support.
woai: glad to know it’s not a one-way street with you.
Once again Angie’s analysis is dead on, it is fun.
Angie – It’s NEVER one way with me. Usually it’s a three way. Kristi?
In, Out and Bang?
more like: In, Bang, Out!
well I’ll have to take your word for that, you’re something of an expert by all accounts
sex-pert! =P
Sexpot!
Good grief, this post just gets more and more unsavoury every time I come back to it.
Come on Dingle- you’re a scientist- how is the skin on your bee-hind supposed to absorb other people’s germs?
Swiss James, germs are made of the same stuff as Oil of Olay so they’re readily absorbed by the skin.
the gentlemans courtesy strip is pure genius! it’s whats been missing from my nests all this time.
I used one of those floor based toilets for the first time today.
I have to say, it was extremely unsatisfying, getting in position on the floor was difficult after the heavy night last night and the sides were too far apart making it very uncomfortable (I ended up balancing on one cheek most of the time). I got my hands dirty getting up again too. Never again…