Professor Dingle’s Guide to Using Public Toilets

November 13, 2008 dinglesp 60 comments

Using a public toilet is a potentially hazardous situation, selection of an appropriate toilet strategy is critical for reasons of hygiene, especially when you consider that on a typical day your average public toilet will see the full spectrum, from diarrhoea ridden hoverers through to George Michael pleasuring policemen.

Ok, I’m going to start with one of them new fangled surveys

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Personally I’m a big fan of making a nest but I have been known to hover when times were desperate (and a more thorough clean of the porcelain would be needed), I’m always a bit nervous about getting it wrong and ending up with unwanted guests in the back of my trousers though.

I’ll never forget one of my former colleagues telling me he was once caught out in town and desperately needed to go, he popped into a public toilet to find the lights had gone, he was desperate though and found his way into a cublicle, grabbed a bundle of paper and wiped around the seat. Later as he got up he found himself slightly stuck to the seat and came to the realisation that the previous user had hovered but had been off with his aim, when he’d wiped around with the bundle of paper he’d merely spread it around the entire seat.

It was immediately after hearing this story that I became a fan of making nests.

So without further ado, here is my guide to making a fine and dandy toilet nest which I hear on good account is a similar design to the one HER MAJESTY HERSELF uses when rollerblading in Hyde Park.

Step 1 – Select a Cubicle

Select the correct cubicle before you begin, although Professor Dingle’s Toilet Nest(R) will cover a multitude of sins it cannot work miracles, see the image above for selection guidelines (simulated to protect the squeamish womenfolk).

Before we start construction of the nest have a good wipe-around with a bundle of toilet paper to remove any splashes or drips from the previous occupant, give the toilet a good flush too while you’re at it.

Step 2 – Laying the Foundations

Tear strips of toilet paper and begin construction of the nest, side supports should be added first and can be thought of the main foundations, these are the real workhorses of the nest and correct placement is critical, if it’s not exactly correct then the whole thing is coming crashing down!

Step 3 – Rear Bracing

The rear bracing strip has two functions:

1 – hold the main side struts in place as you take a seat (they’re prone to blowing away as you sit down).

2 – protect from the inevitable sweaty crack marks at 12 o’clock.

Step 4 -Gentlemans Courtesy Strip (Ladies, please skip to Step 5)

There’s nothing worse than finally taking your seat and getting a cold, hard (and occasionally wet) shock right on the tip of the Matterhorn, protect yourself gentlemen!

Step 5 – Front Bracing

To complete the ring add a front bracing strip to tie everything together and prevent the side struts from splaying out as you sit down.

Step 6 – Anti-Splash Back Defence

The final piece of the jigsaw and one frequently missed by amateur nesters, the nest is complete but you are still at risk of contamination by splash back, scrunch up a few sheets of toilet paper and drop into the pan.

Ok, that’s it, your nest is complete, stand back and admire your work for a few seconds before dropping your trousers and settling into your new throne!!

Why not send pictures of your own toilet nest to Dinglespeaks, I’ll feature them here

email to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com

UPDATE:

Well, it’s been a bumper day for toilet nests today, luckily for you guys I ate Hunan food last night and then needed to leave the hotel at 6:30am so I had to lovingly craft two nests, see below: