Professor Dingle’s Guide to Using Public Toilets

Using a public toilet is a potentially hazardous situation, selection of an appropriate toilet strategy is critical for reasons of hygiene, especially when you consider that on a typical day your average public toilet will see the full spectrum, from diarrhoea ridden hoverers through to George Michael pleasuring policemen.

Ok, I’m going to start with one of them new fangled surveys

When you use a public toilet (guys, I mean for a big sit downer) do you:

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Personally I’m a big fan of making a nest but I have been known to hover when times were desperate (and a more thorough clean of the porcelain would be needed), I’m always a bit nervous about getting it wrong and ending up with unwanted guests in the back of my trousers though.

I’ll never forget one of my former colleagues telling me he was once caught out in town and desperately needed to go, he popped into a public toilet to find the lights had gone, he was desperate though and found his way into a cublicle, grabbed a bundle of paper and wiped around the seat. Later as he got up he found himself slightly stuck to the seat and came to the realisation that the previous user had hovered but had been off with his aim, when he’d wiped around with the bundle of paper he’d merely spread it around the entire seat.

It was immediately after hearing this story that I became a fan of making nests.

So without further ado, here is my guide to making a fine and dandy toilet nest which I hear on good account is a similar design to the one HER MAJESTY HERSELF uses when rollerblading in Hyde Park.

Step 1 – Select a Cubicle

Select the correct cubicle before you begin, although Professor Dingle’s Toilet Nest(R) will cover a multitude of sins it cannot work miracles, see the image above for selection guidelines (simulated to protect the squeamish womenfolk).

Before we start construction of the nest have a good wipe-around with a bundle of toilet paper to remove any splashes or drips from the previous occupant, give the toilet a good flush too while you’re at it.

Step 2 – Laying the Foundations

Tear strips of toilet paper and begin construction of the nest, side supports should be added first and can be thought of the main foundations, these are the real workhorses of the nest and correct placement is critical, if it’s not exactly correct then the whole thing is coming crashing down!

Step 3 – Rear Bracing

The rear bracing strip has two functions:

1 – hold the main side struts in place as you take a seat (they’re prone to blowing away as you sit down).

2 – protect from the inevitable sweaty crack marks at 12 o’clock.

Step 4 -Gentlemans Courtesy Strip (Ladies, please skip to Step 5)

There’s nothing worse than finally taking your seat and getting a cold, hard (and occasionally wet) shock right on the tip of the Matterhorn, protect yourself gentlemen!

Step 5 – Front Bracing

To complete the ring add a front bracing strip to tie everything together and prevent the side struts from splaying out as you sit down.

Step 6 – Anti-Splash Back Defence

The final piece of the jigsaw and one frequently missed by amateur nesters, the nest is complete but you are still at risk of contamination by splash back, scrunch up a few sheets of toilet paper and drop into the pan.

Ok, that’s it, your nest is complete, stand back and admire your work for a few seconds before dropping your trousers and settling into your new throne!!

Why not send pictures of your own toilet nest to Dinglespeaks, I’ll feature them here

email to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com

UPDATE:

Well, it’s been a bumper day for toilet nests today, luckily for you guys I ate Hunan food last night and then needed to leave the hotel at 6:30am so I had to lovingly craft two nests, see below:

Taipei Airport – A very cramped and very hastily constructed nest due to my luggage also being inside my cubicle, low satisfaction rating

Inside a China Airlines Boeing 747, probably somewhere over Shenzhen

The Beaver – midnight 14/11/08

Parkway Health Centre, Xintiandi – 16/11/08

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58 Comments

  1. Posted November 13, 2008 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

    You haven’t included “use a squatter” in your poll selection. Maybe that’s why so few have voted; I suspect your Chinese readership doesn’t know what to choose.

  2. Posted November 13, 2008 at 9:05 pm | Permalink

    for a true nest, dingle, you need more layers . . . like 3 or 4 more.

  3. dinglesp
    Posted November 13, 2008 at 10:22 pm | Permalink

    angie angie angie, this is the 21st century you know, you can’t go wasting toilet paper willy nilly!!!

    Maxie, should I change the poll to “when you use a sit down toilet…”

  4. Posted November 13, 2008 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

    and there are 21st century pathogens . . .

  5. dinglesp
    Posted November 14, 2008 at 7:40 am | Permalink

    Interesting angie, you mean that modern pathogens have evolved to overcome toilet paper? How many sheets do I need to provide adequate protection?

  6. Posted November 14, 2008 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    Willy nilly? I thought we were talking about number two not number one. What’s Willy got to do with it, or have I got them confused my whole life?

  7. Posted November 14, 2008 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    So if you go for a poop at 11am, you’re generally finished by about Thursday?

  8. Posted November 14, 2008 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    i think to properly build a nest, there should be at least 2 layers (5 is overkill). one can never be too careful . . . perhaps pathogens have evolved to become smaller and therefore penetrate TP. (i mean after all, thousands of years of technology and the biggest TP advancement made was 2 ply . . . the viruses have had time.)

  9. kristi
    Posted November 14, 2008 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    I’m with Angie on this one (for the record)

  10. Posted November 14, 2008 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    For the record, I’d *like* to be with Angie :-p

  11. dinglesp
    Posted November 14, 2008 at 5:58 pm | Permalink

    Angie and Kristi, I’m curious as to how these double layer nests look like, can you please send me pictures?

    Woai, that’s a bit subtle, just come out with it.

  12. Posted November 14, 2008 at 7:21 pm | Permalink

    Dingle – I can’t just come out with it we don’t want to scare her away, she’s your biggest contributor (after yours truly)!

  13. Posted November 14, 2008 at 10:16 pm | Permalink

    you know i can “hear” you guys, right? . . .

  14. dinglesp
    Posted November 14, 2008 at 10:33 pm | Permalink

    she totally can’t hear us..

  15. Posted November 15, 2008 at 1:11 am | Permalink

    Dingle – Can she really hear us? I thought it was just you and me. You think she’s hot too though right? But a bit lippy. Maybe it’s a Texan thing. I wonder what she sounds like in real life.

  16. kristi
    Posted November 15, 2008 at 3:09 am | Permalink

    I’d like to point out that I just got caught in the bathroom by my coworker while making a nest and giggling. When she asked what I was doing I started to explain but gave up.

    Then she was like, you’re doing that all wrong and we made another one. Now if I could only figure out how to get the damn pictures off my phone . .

  17. Posted November 15, 2008 at 9:34 am | Permalink

    kristi: email them to yourself . . .

    woai: i’ve been told i have DS lips. so yes, i AM “lippy”. =P

  18. dinglesp
    Posted November 15, 2008 at 1:57 pm | Permalink

    What the hell does DS stand for, Dirty Slut?

    You’re certainly the queen of acronyms, I’ll give you that.

    Kristi, pics!!!!!!

  19. Posted November 15, 2008 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

    you’ll have to ping me to get the answer . . .

    or maybe someone else will clue you in. =P

  20. dinglesp
    Posted November 15, 2008 at 3:26 pm | Permalink

    I think I just figured it out, it’s DS as in Nintendo DS, you’re lips are cold, hard, rectangular and touch sensitive

  21. Posted November 16, 2008 at 3:31 am | Permalink

    not quite, dingle, not quite.

  22. dinglesp
    Posted November 16, 2008 at 4:39 pm | Permalink

    Oh I give up woman.

  23. Posted November 16, 2008 at 6:29 pm | Permalink

    Dirty sexy lips?

  24. Posted November 16, 2008 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

    Dingle Speaks, I wonder, could that be what DS stands for per chance?

  25. dinglesp
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 12:03 am | Permalink

    Ah, DingleSpeaks lips, yes, that must be it, interesting Angie, can we see a photo?

  26. Posted November 17, 2008 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    DS – I think having DS lips does not mean her lips resemble yours but rather that she would like her lips to be attached to yours in the same way that having bedroom eyes does not mean your eyes look like bedrooms.

  27. Posted November 17, 2008 at 1:59 am | Permalink

    dick

  28. Posted November 17, 2008 at 2:00 am | Permalink

    sucking

  29. Posted November 17, 2008 at 2:00 am | Permalink

    lips

  30. Posted November 17, 2008 at 2:04 am | Permalink

    (it occurred to me that you brits may not be familiar with the term “dick sucking lips” as:
    1. there may be a loss of translation (what are some common british terms for the penis?),
    2. british women aren’t any good at it (so i’ve heard), and
    3. british men may be unfamiliar with the actual act because of #2 and with the exception of elizabeth hurley, your women have a bit to be desired in the mouth department.)

    =P

  31. kristi
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 6:16 am | Permalink

    I like “knob”.

    (and I’ve heard that too, more than once :)

  32. dinglesp
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 6:53 am | Permalink

    Well readers it all happens on Dingle Speaks, Angie and Kristi (who likes knob) have well and truly thrown down the gauntlet.

    I am prepared to volunteer to be the judge, we just need a couple of English (female) volunteers to go head to head against the Americans.

    Please send your applications, along with a photograph, to thegreatsage@dinglespeaks.com

    Any volunteers for other judges?

  33. Posted November 17, 2008 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    “head to head”, huh?! LOL.

  34. Heli82
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

    yeah I think DS lips or DSL as I’ve heard it is definitely an American term and are a part of a great American tradition. Dingle, if you’re the judge then only real winner in competition will be you!

  35. Posted November 17, 2008 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    Steps 4 and 6 are genius and yes, are completely overlooked by amateurs.

    I really laughed out loud reading the blurb for step 4. I know it’s crass to say out loud … but … there’s nothing worse in the life of an average male germophobe than sitting at a public toilet – getting the aforementioned tip-shock … and then slowly realising the hygiene implications of said bowl contact.

  36. Posted November 17, 2008 at 3:11 pm | Permalink

    Angie – My vast experience has been mainly in Asia. In fact I’ve only been with one English girl and that was well over a month ago, so I can’t remember if she was any good. But surely it’s about technique and not equipment!

  37. dinglesp
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

    Heli82, while I’ll be the first to admit there are some perks involved this is purely science!

  38. Posted November 17, 2008 at 10:01 pm | Permalink

    it’s ALL about the technique, but having the right equipment is an added bonus.

    any thoughts, krisit?

    yes dingle, you’re truly a man of science, sacrificing yourself like that . . .

  39. kristi
    Posted November 17, 2008 at 11:54 pm | Permalink

    I’m totally going to get myself in trouble on this one, but yeah, again, Angie is correct (no surprise!).

    Technique being equal . . . equipment makes a huge difference. Technique isn’t equal that much though, the list of friends I have that won’t do this is big (for the record).

  40. Posted November 18, 2008 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    That’s odd, I can’t remember the last time I came (excuse the pun) across someone who wouldn’t do it. Is it an American prudish thing? If so I feel sorry for American guys.

  41. Posted November 18, 2008 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    I should add I am more than willing to reciprocate so it’s not a chauvinistic thing!

  42. kristi
    Posted November 18, 2008 at 1:47 am | Permalink

    Woai – many of my girlfriends aren’t American.

  43. kristi
    Posted November 18, 2008 at 5:11 am | Permalink

    But to answer your question I don’t think it’s so much a prudish thing as a selfish thing.

  44. dinglesp
    Posted November 18, 2008 at 6:50 am | Permalink

    Kristi, name and shame them, I’d be happy to host the list!

  45. Posted November 18, 2008 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    I think it’s safe to say Kristi and Angie won’t be making an appearance on that list :-p

  46. Posted November 18, 2008 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    i would NEVER appear on that list! ever.

    it’s too much fun. too sexy and too easy NOT to do.

    and it’s HOT.

    =)

  47. Posted November 18, 2008 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    thank you kristi for your support.

    woai: glad to know it’s not a one-way street with you. ;-)

  48. kristi
    Posted November 18, 2008 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    Once again Angie’s analysis is dead on, it is fun. :)

  49. Posted November 18, 2008 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Angie – It’s NEVER one way with me. Usually it’s a three way. Kristi?

  50. dinglesp
    Posted November 18, 2008 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

    In, Out and Bang?

  51. Posted November 19, 2008 at 5:23 am | Permalink

    more like: In, Bang, Out!

  52. dinglesp
    Posted November 19, 2008 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    well I’ll have to take your word for that, you’re something of an expert by all accounts

  53. Posted November 19, 2008 at 11:19 am | Permalink

    sex-pert! =P

  54. Posted November 19, 2008 at 12:35 pm | Permalink

    Sexpot!

  55. Posted November 19, 2008 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    Good grief, this post just gets more and more unsavoury every time I come back to it.

    Come on Dingle- you’re a scientist- how is the skin on your bee-hind supposed to absorb other people’s germs?

  56. dinglesp
    Posted November 19, 2008 at 9:17 pm | Permalink

    Swiss James, germs are made of the same stuff as Oil of Olay so they’re readily absorbed by the skin.

  57. jet
    Posted November 21, 2008 at 10:47 pm | Permalink

    the gentlemans courtesy strip is pure genius! it’s whats been missing from my nests all this time.

  58. dinglesp
    Posted November 22, 2008 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    I used one of those floor based toilets for the first time today.

    I have to say, it was extremely unsatisfying, getting in position on the floor was difficult after the heavy night last night and the sides were too far apart making it very uncomfortable (I ended up balancing on one cheek most of the time). I got my hands dirty getting up again too. Never again…

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