Are you suffering from a chronic ailment but can’t afford to go for expensive acupuncture treatments? Dinglespeaks presents a quick and easy way to enjoy the benefits of acupuncture at ABSOLUTELY NO COST WHATSOEVER*!
What’s more Professor Dingle’s DIY Acupuncture Therapy(TM) CURES ALL MANNER OF PATHETICALLY VAGUE AILMENTS**!!!! Including “feeling a bit off colour”, “it feels funny when I do this doctor” and “I think I caught a chill in my leg”
Acupuncture, if you don’t know, involves a practitioner (generally a wisened elderly Chinese gentleman with a white, wispy Fu ManChu moustache who speaks in proverbs) violating various parts of your body with thin needles in a room thick with incense. He then charges you a lot of money, I’m not sure how much but it’s probably something like a million dollars per treatment.
Here at DingleSpeaks we don’t like to throw money around the way that other bloggers do so we have developed a way of getting this vital treatment for free! Here’s a step by step guide to how it works:
Items you will need
- A single pair of socks
- A sponge
- A saucepan
- A syringe (or another means of delivering droplets of fluid)
- An apartment close to ground level
1 – When you get up in the morning don’t change those socks! Get another days wear out of them, and another, and another, we recommend keeping them on for at least 4 or 5 days until they positively hum.
DINGLE TOP TIPS – switch off that air conditioning, engage in sports, put plastic bags between your socks and shoes, keep those shoes on 24 hours a day (use another plastic bag over each foot to keep the bed clean), anything you can do to maximise odorification.
2 – Stop washing for the duration of the conditioning period, you’ll be throwing away all of those wonderful delicate odours, premature washing reduces the efficacy of Professor Dingle’s DIY Acupuncture Therapy(TM).
3 – After conditioning is complete (estimate 4 or 5 days) take peel off the socks and place into a saucepan full of water, dip the sponge into the water, clean between the toes and squeeze the sponge out into the saucepan. Next, you’re going to re-wet the sponge and collect vital scent from other key areas of your body.
DINGLE TOP TIP - use that little attachment on your nail clippers to recover as much toe-cheese as possible from down the sides of the big toe nail, add to the water.
Key Sponging Positions for Scent Collection
4 – Heat the water to around 80°C until you can just see vapour rising from water, don’t heat too much or you’ll break down those delicate scent molecules!! Simmer at this temperature, occasionally squeezing the socks to maximise percolation, keep simmering until the water has reduced by 90% and the potency of the liquid is at maximum
DINGLE TOP TIP – use the extraction fan on maximum setting
5 – Take a long shower, a proper one mind you, not your normal day to day rinse, we’re talking the monthly big one, you know, soap and shampoo, all the bells and whistles. This really is essential, if you are not completely clean and scent free before treatment begins you will be at risk of receiving acupuncture therapy in inappropriate areas.
6 – Draw some of the potent liquid into a syringe and make yourself comfortable, lie on the bed, play some relaxing music.
DINGLE TOP TIP – separate the remaining liquid into dose sized portions and put into the freezer for future use
7 – You’ll need a friend to help you here, using the syringe, place a droplet of water at each of the key acupuncture sites, refer to this helpful diagram below of the key acupuncture site in the human body
Key Acupuncture Positions
8 – After a few minutes, the droplets will begin to evaporate, taking the delicious aroma with them, you will probably notice the room becoming darker as swarms of mosquitos gather outside the window. Your companion needs to open the window, only for a few seconds though, just long enough to allow sufficient mosquitos into the room for effective treatment.
9 – The mosquitos are guided directly to the acupuncture sites by the scent and begin the painless*** treatment, lie still and relax, think about all the things you can buy with that money you have saved!
DINGLE TOP TIP – relax as much as possible to miminise your blood pressure and maximise the treatment time, treatment finishes as soon as the mosquitos bellies are full. Once the first batch of mosquitos are about to peel away in formation, reopen the window for a few seconds to let the next squadron in.
DINGLE TOP TIP – if mosquitos are in short supply tie string around their necks to prevent them from swallowing, the frustrated mosquitos will continue the acupuncture treatment for the whole 10/15 minutes! NOTE – you’ll need to use very thin string, find an old spiders web and take some of the spider silk.
10 – After 10 to 15 minutes the treatment is complete, you are already feeling stronger and fitter than you ever did before, give the room a good dose of RAID and take a good shower to prevent further, unwanted treatment. Spend the rest of the evening relaxing and stretching, maybe practise yoga or pop down to the local brew-house for a few well deserved pints of ale (can be used in combination with Professor Dingle’s Weekend Hangover Science Diet).
*approximation
**some risk of malaria / Japanese encephalitis / dengue fever, minimise treatments in areas with endemic outbreaks.
***some patients report a mild discomfort at the site of treatment for several days afterwards.
12 Comments
** you forgot West Nile virus
I think you should be ok for West Nile, you can just ask your friend to vet the mosquitos on entry if you’re really worried.
I can taste that smell in the back of my throat. Thanks, Professor Dingle.
Ever been on a plane and somebody has a heart attack–quick, is anyone on board an acupuncturist? No? Me either.
I rather have those leeches anytime.
babbabylon, yeah I opened the windows after my treatment last night, the whole of Shanghai is getting it right now.
Colin, you’re crazy, leeches have two teeth, only 50% of the therapy will be in the correct position, you could end up dead, or worse..
Leeches have teeth?
I am more of a visual learner… Can you take a video and post it on YouTube?
Sarah, video teams are virtually queuing up outside my front door to capture my miraculous new technique, I’m waiting for the big boys though, the BBC!
All illnesses stem from a deficiency of essential ki of the zang organs. Localized
symptoms appear when heat and cold arise due to a deficiency of ki, blood, and fluids
(pathological deficiency) caused by the combination of any of a number of possible factors in
combination with the underlying deficiency. The majority of localized symptoms that patients
convey as their chief complaint are the areas affected by cold and heat. That is to say, it is
common for the area of the chief complaint to lie along the meridian(s) that should be used
for the local treatment.
For instance, suppose that a patient presents with a complaint of stiff shoulders due to age
(i.e., fifty-year-old’s shoulder). This ailment is commonly caused by Liver deficiency.
Blockage of the meridians in the area of the shoulder joint gives rise to it being the specific
area of the chief complaint. So, first of all you should diagnose whether or not the problem is
due to Liver deficiency, and at the same time you must assess which meridian(s) have
blockage that may be causing the difficulty in raising the arm. In order to do that you should
palpate each of the channels and have the patient raise the arm. But, before having the patient
raise the arm, ask exactly where the pain is felt. This should be done with precision,
politeness, and gentleness. This information will help in determining the meridian(s) and
points to be used for the local treatment.
Are you serious? I understand the premise in that the mosquitoes would serve as “natural” needles, but as was pointed out before, mosquitoes are known vectors (carriers) of countless diseases.
I think I’ll pass.
boardwalk, of course there are risks associated with any kind of therapy, but as long as you eat your greens and exercise regularly I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
I think I might start using the word “vectors” in this context. Iit makes one sound so much more intelligent than just using the word that everyone understands.
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[...] Anyway, the hotel’s nice enough, right on the banks of the famous West Lake, which basically means we’re engulfed by clouds of mosquitos every time we pop out for fresh air (the perfect place to stop for some Professor Dingle’s DIY Acupuncture Therapy!!) [...]